Not long after I started publishing a weekly parenting column for The El Paso Times in 1989, I wrote something about our then 15-year-old daughter that embarrassed her.
She protested, and I automatically defended myself. “Everybody who read that knew I was making a joke,” I began.
But then, in the middle of my self-justification, I thought, Why am I defending this? No column is worth damaging my relationship with my daughter, and no column is worth giving her unnecessary pain.
So, I apologized.
And then I gave our three teenagers the right to censor anything I planned to say about them in print. After two of them moved into the dorm at college, I could no longer show them what I had written. So I would read the column draft over the phone or discuss what I planned to convey.
Oddly, they never invoked their censorship privilege. One son even let me tell stories about his potty training!
I knew our kids got teased about their family stories sometimes, but the review policy ensured that they were never caught off-guard. And they told me the kidding didn’t bother them. I had to believe it, because they certainly let me know other things I did that bothered them. (And they still do.)
“Why were they so thick-skinned?” I’ve wondered.
Part of the reason may be that when I reviewed my columns with them before publishing, it did more than merely prepare them ahead of time for being kidded. It armed them with respect. Each time I checked out a potential column with one of our children, I was acknowledging again to them and to myself, “You matter; your feelings matter; you are more important than your mom’s writing career.”
Teasing is easier for kids to handle when they feel secure.
And the hard blows life delivers are less devastating when significant people in their lives, like parents, show them respect. Because showing children respect give the message that they, as individuals, are valuable. They are worthwhile.
Unfortunately, it’s easy (and often more convenient) to disrespect children, to disregard their perceptions and to steamroll over their feelings. It takes hard work, diligence and self-discipline to establish patterns of thinking, speaking, and behaving that demonstrate respect:
Respect for children’s individuality
A friend of mine once remarked that parents need to approach their children with a sense of curiosity and discovery. “Raising children is like growing a mystery garden from God,” she said. “My job isn’t to turn a rose bush into an apple tree. My job is to find out what I’m growing and work with that. If this one is a rose bush, then I need to provide the best possible conditions to grow roses. If the next one is a field of onions, I need to provide what’s best for that.”
Respect for children’s choices
This is hard for me and most parents. Although I know that nothing destroys a parent’s relationship with teens and young adults faster than disrespecting their decisions, I still can’t seem to shake the idea that I know better than they do.
We must struggle against the temptation to try to make decisions for our children, to pressure them into making the decisions we prefer, or to rescue them from the consequences of poor decisions when they need to learn a hard lesson instead.
Children learn to make wise decisions when parents allow them to make choices appropriate for their age from the time they are small, and then expect them to take responsibility for the consequences of those decisions so they learn to avoid mistakes in the future. This takes a lot of effort from parents, but it pays big dividends in the development of self-respect, maturity and common sense.
Respect for children’s privacy
Checking beforehand with our children before I published stories about them was one way I respected their privacy. Other ways were knocking on their bedroom doors (and counting to 10) before entering, reading their mail only with permission, and trying to provide them personal time and space for solitude.
Respect for children’s property
Some parents think of their children as an extension of themselves—like an extra arm or leg. What belongs to the child belongs to them, they reason. I remember a college student telling me how angry he was in junior high when his teacher mother took some of his favorite toys to her classroom for her students to play with.
Teens and parents get confused sometimes about property ownership. Teens’ bedrooms are not their personal property because they are not paying the mortgage or the rent. Just as landlords have the right to inspect – and make rules for – their property rentals, parents get to inspect and make rules for children’s bedrooms.
On the other hand, helping yourself to another person’s property or borrowing things without permission is an act of disrespect, whether or not the person is your close relative. Even if you once gave those things to them as a gift.
Golden Rule Respect
“Do for others what you want others to do for you,” is the Golden Rule that underlies respect.
When we treat our children the way we want to be treated ourselves, and when we teach them to treat others that way, too, we help to establish our children’s personal identities on a healthy foundation of respect.
© 2021 Becky Cerling Powers
You can find more parenting insights from Becky Cerling Powers in her book
Sticky Fingers, Sticky Minds: quick reads for helping kids thrive
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Figuring Out Fasting: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Dad's Problem Solution Method
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Christmas Gift Exchange
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Insights & Reflections for Parents in November: from the Parent Powerline
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Surviving the Japanese Occupation: insights from the Story Powerline
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Insights & Reflections for Parents in October: from the Parent Powerline
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Insights & Reflections for Parents in September: from the Parent Powerline
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What the Animals Taught Adam: from the Story Powerline
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8/30/2022
Figuring Out a Child's Learning Style: insights from the Parent Powerline
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8/20/2022
Like the Wind: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Insights & Reflections for Parents in August: from the Parent Powerline
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Enlighten the Eyes of my Heart: reflections on spiritual warfare
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7/23/2022
Making Bible Milk: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Insights and Reflections for Parents in July: from the Parent Powerline
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When Healing Hurts: reflections on spiritual warfare in pain
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6/15/2022
Insights and Reflections for Parents in June: from the Parent Powerline
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Truce for Sibling Wars: reflections on spiritual warfare
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5/19/2022
Aunt Laura's Advice: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Safe Amid Snakes and Semi-Trucks: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Dead Squirrel Forgiveness: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Forgiving Grandmother Eberhardt: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Rosebud's Political Interrogation: reflections on spiritual warfare
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New Bride Confusion: reflections on spiritual warfare
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Toddlers Helping: insights from the Parent Powerline
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3/21/2022
Lament - Complaining as Worship: reflections on spiritual warfare in grief & anger
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A Dream That Changed Me: reflections on spiritual warfare
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3/9/2022
Insights and Reflections for Parents in March: from the Parent Powerline
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Preventing Parent Burnout: insights from the Parent Powerline
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2/7/2022
Playing Games with Kids: insights from the Parent Powerline
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2/6/2022
Insights and Reflections for Parents in February: from the Parent Powerline
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2/1/2022
Family Conflict, Family Struggles: reflections on spiritual warfare, beginning
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1/22/2022
Insights & Reflections for Parents in January: from the Parent Powerline
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1/1/2022
Neighborhood Yeast: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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12/27/2021
Children of the Heavenly Father: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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12/21/2021
Christmas Contentment: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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12/11/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in December: from the Parent Powerline
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12/1/2021
Pied Piper Dad: memorial and parenting reflections from the Parent Powerline
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11/22/2021
Golden Rule Respect: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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11/12/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in November: from the Parent Powerline
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11/4/2021
Enjoying Money Without Spending it: insights from the Parent Powerline
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10/14/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in October: from the Parent Powerline
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10/1/2021
Yes Means Yes, No Means No: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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9/26/2021
The Tire 'Em Out Principle for Long Trips and Schoolwork: insights from the Parent Powerline
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9/18/2021
Family Treasure Hunts: parenting insights from the parent powerline
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9/12/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in September: from the Parent Powerline
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9/1/2021
The Handy Dandy Adaptable Review Game, Cooperation Concentration: Parent Powerline insights
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8/2/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in August: from the Parent Powerline
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7/30/2021
Camping with Kids: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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7/28/2021
Hymn for a Baby: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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7/22/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in July: from the Parent Powerline
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7/1/2021
In Sickness or in Health: a faith based Father's Day Story from the Story Powerline
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6/16/2021
Why Smart Kids Can't All Read by Age 6: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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6/10/2021
Being with Dad: a faith-based story from the Story Powerline
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Insights & Reflections for Parents in June: from the Parent Powerline
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5/31/2021
Home Style Secrets of Kids' Learning Success: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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The Balances of Parenting: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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5/18/2021
Letting Daughters Grow: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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5/8/2021
Insights & Reflections for Parents in May: from the Parent Powerline
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5/1/2021
Reading Lots of Easy Books Produces Fluent Readers: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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4/22/2021
Reflections for Parents in April, Week Two: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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4/12/2021
Helping Kids with Math: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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4/5/2021
Reflections for Parents in April, Week One: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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4/1/2021
Trouble -- the doorway to God's Kingdom: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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3/25/2021
Honey Tree: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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3/23/2021
Watching for the Positives: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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3/21/2021
Give Your Children Sticky Minds: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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3/15/2021
The Law of Kindness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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3/12/2021
Eyes in the Lookout: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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3/5/2021
The Grumble Family: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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3/3/2021
Being a Better Parent...One Week at a Time...in March
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2/28/2021
Henry O. Flipper: a black history month story from the Story Powerline
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2/24/2021
Preparing to Raise Teens: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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2/18/2021
Neighbor Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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2/17/2021
No Matter What, I Love You Every Day: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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2/14/2021
Mental Maps: a faith based story on love from the Story Powerline
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2/10/2021
Putting Myself in the Love Chapter: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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2/8/2021
Reading to Babies: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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2/5/2021
Being a Better Parent....One Week at a Time...in February 2021
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2/1/2021
Resolving the Past: a faith-based story from the Story Powerline
Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
1/22/2021
God Sets the Lonely in Families: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
1/21/2021
Keep Trying: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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1/13/2021
Hooray for Mother Goose! Parenting Insights from the Parent Powerline
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1/5/2021
Being a Better Parent....One Week at a Time...in January 2021
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1/2/2021
Working With -- Not Against -- Life Seasons: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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12/28/2020
Why Play With the Kids? parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
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12/21/2020
Breaking Barriers with Kindness: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
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12/10/2020
Shoe Shine Boy: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
Ruben Fierro as told to Maria Luisa Navarro
12/4/2020
Slow Down for Christmas: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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12/1/2020
Ruth & Boaz, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Maria Luisa Navarro
11/12/2020
Ruth & Boaz, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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11/9/2020
Enemies No More, Part 2: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/30/2020
Enemies No More, Part 1: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
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10/28/2020
Double Minded Doggie: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
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10/22/2020
The Father's Blessing: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/13/2020
Dad's Green Packard: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
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10/10/2020
Hill of Woman's Fidelity: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
10/1/2020
In Praise of Naps: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
9/28/2020
Music Enriches the Family: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
9/10/2020
Pre-School at Home During Covid-19: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
8/21/2020
Parenting in the Mess: Tips from the Parent Powerline
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8/16/2020
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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8/4/2020
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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8/4/2020
Temptation: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A. Hinshaw
7/23/2020
TALK: A Simple Way to Help Kids with School: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
7/21/2020
Honest Abe Lincoln: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Randy Limbird
7/14/2020
The Most Conscientious Hunter I Ever Met: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A. Hinshaw
6/24/2020
Washing Feet: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers and Lee Merrill Byrd
6/17/2020
No Parking: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/10/2020
Ruby Bridges, part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/3/2020
Ruby Bridges, part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/2/2020
Raising Fluent Readers: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
5/29/2020
Unwanted Baby: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Eileen as told to Becky Cerling Powers
5/26/2020
Family Funnies: Tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
5/22/2020
Joey's Letters: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Lee Merrill Byrd
5/21/2020
Alzheimer Valley: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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5/13/2020
Amaris Luz, Light from Darkness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Lee Merrill Byrd
4/28/2020
Let Kids Cure Their Own Boredom: Tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
4/15/2020
Naaman, Rich in Money and Presumption: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs and Becky Cerling Powers
4/14/2020
David, Bathsheba & Psalm 51: a faith based story story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
4/9/2020
The Hundred Chart: math lesson tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
4/8/2020
The Beer Would Call Me: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Beatriz Balcort as told to Becky Cerling Powers
4/7/2020
Turned Around: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Brian Bolton with Becky Cerling Powers
4/2/2020
Elijah & the Captain of 50 Men: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
3/31/2020
Fear in Residence: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
3/24/2020
Household Management During COVID-19 Time: tips from the Parent Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
3/23/2020
Dreaming of Anita Jo: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
3/12/2020
No Complaint Dinners: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
3/10/2020
DIY Plumbing: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
3/5/2020
A Brother's Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
3/3/2020
My Two Dads, part three: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/27/2020
My Two Dads, part two: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/26/2020
My Two Dads, part one: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/25/2020
Grandma's Apron: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
2/20/2020
Colors of the Beetle: a retold faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
2/13/2020
Cantaloupe Crop Disaster: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen Hinshaw
2/5/2020
Afraid to Sleep at Night (Psalm 91): a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
1/22/2020
How the Camel Got His Hump: a retold faith based story
Becky Cerling Powers
1/13/2020
Growing Up With Polio: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
1/9/2020
All Things Bright and Beautiful: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers, poem by Cecil Frances Alexander
1/7/2020
One Dollar for a Donut: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
1/1/2020
Star of Wonder
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/26/2019
The Shepherds
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/24/2019
Mary and the Angel
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/18/2019
Zechariah
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/17/2019
Christmas Cookies: a a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
12/10/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 3: Gifts & Gratitude (a faith based story from the Story Powerline)
Rami Scully
11/28/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 2: Beginning in Weakness (a faith based story)
Rami Scully
11/28/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 1: Enduring the Sea Voyage (a faith based story)
Rami Scully
11/27/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 3: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
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11/22/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Néaouguen Nodjimbadem
11/19/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Nodji (Néaouguen Nodjimbadem) as told to Becky Cerling Powers
11/12/2019
Grandma Time: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
11/1/2019
The Love & Diaper (Nappy) Connection
Becky Cerling Powers
10/25/2019
Avon Perfume Surprise: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/22/2019
Saving Butterscotch: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Karen M. Pickett Ward
10/16/2019
The Patient in Room 116: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
10/8/2019
Belshazzar: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Paula Kortkamp Combs
10/2/2019
My Mysterious Relative & the Missing Paycheck: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
9/26/2019
Keeping in Touch with Cousins: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
9/24/2019
How the Ostrich Got His Long Neck: a faith based retold story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
9/9/2019