Back in the day when our kids were young, I walked into our sons bedroom one day and noticed our 11-year-old firstborn sitting in his bedroom crying. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
He said, “You always tell me when I do things wrong, but when I try to do everything right, you don’t say anything.”
He had made a special effort all week to do his chores promptly and well. I’d been too busy to notice.
Ouch.
It hit me then: when I noticed and scolded my son’s failures, while failing to notice and encourage his accomplishments, I was defeating myself as much as him. I was actually discouraging my son from trying to do the things I wanted him to do.
It was like trying to raise a garden in the desert by diligently chopping out the weeds while failing to give the plants any water.
Because, it turns out, children and gardens do best when those who tend them recognize and encourage first efforts and small beginnings.
I realized then that it isn’t enough just to try to get rid of our kids’ negatives. First, last, and in between, we needed to be feeding the positive.
I remember what a dramatic difference it made when I switched from a negative to a positive approach in teaching our youngest son penmanship.
When I first began homeschooling our younger son Matt, I marked all his penmanship mistakes in red.
After all, that’s the way my teachers had done it – in order to make students notice mistakes and try harder next time. But our son seemed oblivious to his mistakes. Matt disliked penmanship, and our lessons did not improve his attitude.
Then I read some good advice and quit marking mistakes. Instead, I started drawing a big red circle around Matt’s very best work on a page. After that we talked together about why those words and letters were his best.
Matt’s penmanship started improving, and so did his attitude.
He started looking forward to seeing red marks when they meant success instead of failure.
Although Matt disliked having me tell him why his mistakes were so bad, he enjoyed hearing me tell him why his best work was so good.
After a few weeks of the new positive routine, I asked Matt to circle his best work himself. As he began evaluating his own work, he found his mistakes himself, and his penmanship improved across the board.
It was a real eye opener for me…
Because I soon realized that this positive approach not only transformed Matt’s attitude, it transformed mine. Grading penmanship was irritating when I focused on finding what was wrong. When I focused on finding what was right, though, I cheered up and had more patience.
Family therapist Dick Park has some suggestions for people who want to be positive parents.
Tell children what you do want instead of what you don’t want.
“Parents tend to go through a litany of what they don’t want,” family therapist Dick Park said. “If you tell children what you do want, you distract them from the negative to the positive.”
“You get the behavior you pay attention to,” Park warned. “If you pay attention to negative behavior, you’ll get a lot of it.”
Don’t demand perfection before giving praise.
As soon as children do what you just asked them to do, move in immediately with words of approval -- even if they aren’t getting it exactly, totally right. In fact, even if they are barely doing passably well, move in with praise. Warmly support any positive response.
Through the day, try to catch your children doing the right thing.
Then say something positive and specific about it, like “I love it when you kids treat each other kindly and play so well together the way you’re doing.”
Recognize and praise the small steps a child takes on the way to achievement.
When you praise or affirm someone, take out the history.
“When parents say, ‘That’s great! Why didn’t you do that before?’ that gives a hug and a slap,” Park said. “So, take out the history. Just say ‘That’s great! You got it right.’”
“Give a simple stroke for actions well done and leave it alone.”
For some reason, it’s easier to notice and criticize people’s mistakes and failures than it is to notice and praise their daily achievements and honest efforts.
So, becoming a positive parent takes conscious effort.
It means looking at life a new way. It means changing the way you think and respond. It takes practice. But it pays off for everyone.
©Becky Cerling Powers 1997
Originally published in the El Paso Times
You can find more parenting insights from Becky Cerling Powers in Sticky Fingers, Sticky Minds: quick reads for helping kids thrive in the Bookstore
Reflections for Parents in April, Week Two: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
4/12/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Helping Kids with Math: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
4/5/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Reflections for Parents in April, Week One: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
4/1/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Trouble -- the doorway to God's Kingdom: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/25/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Honey Tree: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/23/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Watching for the Positives: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
3/21/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Give Your Children Sticky Minds: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
3/15/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
The Law of Kindness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/12/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Laura Jane Cerling
Eyes in the Lookout: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/10/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Glen A Hinshaw
Focusing on the good stuff: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/5/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Joe Herman
The Grumble Family: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/3/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Anonymous
Being a Better Parent...One Week at a Time...in March
2/28/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Henry O. Flipper: a black history month story from the Story Powerline
2/24/2021 3:33:00 PM by: Randy Limbird
Preparing to Raise Teens: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
2/18/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Neighbor Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/17/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
No Matter What, I Love You Every Day: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/14/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers and Robert G Cerling
Mental Maps: a faith based story on love from the Story Powerline
2/10/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Putting Myself in the Love Chapter: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/8/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Erik Powers
Reading to Babies: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
2/5/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Being a Better Parent....One Week at a Time...in February 2021
2/1/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Resolving the Past: a faith-based story from the Story Powerline
1/22/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
God Sets the Lonely in Families: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/21/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Keep Trying: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/13/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Laura Jane Cerling
Hooray for Mother Goose! Parenting Insights from the Parent Powerline
1/5/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Being a Better Parent....One Week at a Time...in January 2021
1/2/2021 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Working With -- Not Against -- Life Seasons: parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
12/28/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Why Play With the Kids? parenting insights from the Parent Powerline
12/21/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Breaking Barriers with Kindness: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
12/10/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Laura Jane Cerling
Shoe Shine Boy: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
12/4/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Ruben Fierro as told to Maria Luisa Navarro
Slow Down for Christmas: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
12/1/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Ruth & Boaz, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/12/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Maria Luisa Navarro
Ruth & Boaz, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/9/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Maria Luisa Navarro
Enemies No More, Part 2: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/30/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Enemies No More, Part 1: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/28/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Double Minded Doggie: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/22/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
The Father's Blessing: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/13/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Dad's Green Packard: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/10/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Hill of Woman's Fidelity: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
10/1/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
In Praise of Naps: tips from the Parent Powerline
9/28/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Music Enriches the Family: tips from the Parent Powerline
9/10/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Pre-School at Home During Covid-19: tips from the Parent Powerline
8/21/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Parenting in the Mess: Tips from the Parent Powerline
8/16/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
The Way We Homeschooled, Part 1 Balance: from the Parent Powerline
8/4/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
8/4/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
8/4/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Temptation: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
7/23/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Glen A. Hinshaw
TALK: A Simple Way to Help Kids with School: tips from the Parent Powerline
7/21/2020 9:00:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Honest Abe Lincoln: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
7/14/2020 11:00:00 PM by: Randy Limbird
The Most Conscientious Hunter I Ever Met: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
6/24/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Glen A. Hinshaw
Washing Feet: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
6/17/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers and Lee Merrill Byrd
No Parking: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
6/10/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Ruby Bridges, part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
6/3/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Ruby Bridges, part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
6/2/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Raising Fluent Readers: tips from the Parent Powerline
5/29/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Unwanted Baby: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
5/26/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Eileen as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Family Funnies: Tips from the Parent Powerline
5/22/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Joey's Letters: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
5/21/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Lee Merrill Byrd
Alzheimer Valley: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
5/13/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
New Bride Confusion: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
5/12/2020 4:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Amaris Luz, Light from Darkness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
4/28/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Lee Merrill Byrd
Losing Poetry: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
4/22/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Let Kids Cure Their Own Boredom: Tips from the Parent Powerline
4/15/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Naaman, Rich in Money and Presumption: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
4/14/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs and Becky Cerling Powers
David, Bathsheba & Psalm 51: a faith based story story from the Story Powerline
4/9/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
The Hundred Chart: math lesson tips from the Parent Powerline
4/8/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
The Beer Would Call Me: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
4/7/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Beatriz Balcort as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Turned Around: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
4/2/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Brian Bolton with Becky Cerling Powers
Toddlers Helping During COVID-19 and Beyond: tips from the Parent Powerline
4/1/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Elijah & the Captain of 50 Men: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/31/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
Fear in Residence: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/24/2020 10:00:00 PM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Household Management During COVID-19 Time: tips from the Parent Powerline
3/23/2020 10:00:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Dreaming of Anita Jo: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/12/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
No Complaint Dinners: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/10/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Laura Jane Cerling
DIY Plumbing: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/5/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Jennifer Cummings
A Brother's Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
3/3/2020 7:00:00 AM by: Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
My Two Dads, part three: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/27/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
My Two Dads, part two: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/26/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
My Two Dads, part one: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/25/2020 7:00:00 AM by: Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Grandma's Apron: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/20/2020 12:45:00 PM by: Jennifer Cummings
Colors of the Beetle: a retold faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/13/2020 12:00:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Cantaloupe Crop Disaster: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
2/5/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Glen Hinshaw
Afraid to Sleep at Night (Psalm 91): a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/22/2020 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
How the Camel Got His Hump: a retold faith based story
1/13/2020 10:00:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Growing Up With Polio: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/9/2020 10:01:00 PM by: Laura Jane Cerling
All Things Bright and Beautiful: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/7/2020 6:20:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers, poem by Cecil Frances Alexander
One Dollar for a Donut: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
1/1/2020 6:00:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Star of Wonder
12/26/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
The Shepherds
12/24/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Mary and the Angel
12/18/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Zechariah
12/17/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Christmas Cookies: a a faith based story from the Story Powerline
12/10/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Laura Jane Cerling
First Thanksgiving, Part 2: Beginning in Weakness (a faith based story)
11/28/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Rami Scully
First Thanksgiving, Part 3: Gifts & Gratitude (a faith based story from the Story Powerline)
11/28/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Rami Scully
First Thanksgiving, Part 1: Enduring the Sea Voyage (a faith based story)
11/27/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Rami Scully
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 3: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/22/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Néaouguen Nodjimbadem as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/19/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Néaouguen Nodjimbadem
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/12/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Nodji (Néaouguen Nodjimbadem) as told to Becky Cerling Powers
Preventing Parent Burnout: from the Parent Powerline
11/4/2019 5:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Grandma Time: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
11/1/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Jennifer Cummings
Safe Amid Snakes and Semi-Trucks: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
10/30/2019 3:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
The Love & Diaper (Nappy) Connection
10/25/2019 6:30:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Avon Perfume Surprise: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
10/22/2019 7:00:00 AM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Saving Butterscotch: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
10/16/2019 6:00:00 AM by: Karen M. Pickett Ward
The Patient in Room 116: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
10/8/2019 9:10:00 AM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
Belshazzar: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
10/2/2019 6:45:00 AM by: Retold by Paula Kortkamp Combs
My Mysterious Relative & the Missing Paycheck: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
9/26/2019 3:17:00 PM by: Becky Cerling Powers
Keeping in Touch with Cousins: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
9/24/2019 3:20:00 PM by: Paula Kortkamp Combs
How the Ostrich Got His Long Neck: a faith based retold story from the Story Powerline
9/9/2019 3:49:00 PM by: Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
When Life Goes Up in Smoke: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
8/20/2019 3:28:00 PM by: Glen A. Hinshaw
