First let me tell you the end of the story
By the time our three children were all teenagers, they got along great. They liked doing things together, they immersed themselves in lengthy, late-night discussions – sometimes hilarious, sometimes sober – and they could even back off in the middle of an argument and mutually resolve a disagreement. In short, they were good friends.
The beginning of the story was less pleasant.
Our children were each born 2 ½ years apart. Our first-born son resented his baby sister’s competition for Mom and Dad’s attention, and she, in turn, felt squeezed out when a younger brother joined the family.
Sibling Rivalry and Middle Child Syndrome produced a wicked mix. The boys joined forces to compete against their sister, and she salved her hurt feelings by snatching every opportunity fate offered for revenge. They retaliated in turn.
The children’s relationship grew increasingly bitter until, by the time they were 13, 10, and 8, they were turning their lives into a guerrilla war. We were beginning to home school our two youngest children at the time, and they were making the experience miserable.
But then a miracle began, and the middle of the story unfolded.
The name of the miracle was forgiveness. And because forgiveness is a process rather than an overnight achievement, the middle of the story lasted about a year and a half.
In his wise little book Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve, Lewis B. Smedes says forgiveness starts with a critical decision: “Do I want to be healed or do I prefer to go on suffering from the unfair hurt lodged in my memory?”
Once our children decided they wanted healing, Smedes’ book helped us by clarifying what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Forgiveness is not smothering conflict, nor is it covering over pain and pretending it doesn’t exist. Forgiveness does not mean making excuses for people who hurt us, nor does it mean tolerating continued abuse.
True forgiveness is impossible until we face up to our pain from the past. Only when we face the pain and feel it can we grieve what we lost and truly forgive someone for the harm we suffered.
Helping our children through the process of forgiveness meant that we listened to them recount their painful memories, acknowledged their hurts, and encouraged them to let go of their claims against each other, even though it was hard. We also encouraged them to figure out and practice new ways of acting around each other.
Our Christian faith helped us.
We taught our children to go to God for the resources necessary to do the work of forgiving. For forgiveness is essentially a spiritual issue – but then, so is hatred or revenge.
Reconciliation is the most satisfying way to complete forgiveness, although it is possible to heal without that final step. It takes one to forgive. It takes two to reconcile. If only one child had been willing to forgive, he would have healed while the others remained wounded and bitter.
Fortunately, our children reconciled as they forgave. By the time the two oldest were in college, all three of them were so close that their friends were amazed to find out that they had ever been anything but good friends.
Parents cannot nag their children into forgiveness. They can only practice it themselves, then present it as a solution to their youngsters’ pain and guide them through the process.
© Becky Cerling Powers 1991
Reprint with attribution only www.beckypowers.com
Becky Cerling Powers is the author of Laura’s Children: the hidden story of a Chinese orphanage as well as Sticky Fingers, Sticky Minds: quick reads for helping kids thrive. She blogs at www.beckypowers.com “Truce for Sibling Wars” is part of a collection of stories describing and explaining the use of the spiritual weapons that the apostle Paul listed in Ephesians 6:10-20. This story describes “feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.” To find other stories in the series enter “reflections on spiritual warfare” into the Search Bar.
Truce for Sibling Wars: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
5/19/2022
Aunt Laura's Advice: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
5/8/2022
Safe Amid Snakes and Semi-Trucks: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
4/26/2022
Dead Squirrel Forgiveness: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
4/17/2022
Forgiving Grandmother Eberhardt: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
4/12/2022
Rosebud's Interrogation: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
4/5/2022
New Bride Confusion: reflections on spiritual warfare
Becky Cerling Powers
4/4/2022
Family Conflict, Family Struggles: reflections on spiritual warfare, beginning
Becky Cerling Powers
1/22/2022
Neighborhood Yeast: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
12/27/2021
Children of the Heavenly Father: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
12/21/2021
Hymn for a Baby: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
7/22/2021
In Sickness or in Health: a faith based Father's Day Story from the Story Powerline
David Melin as told to Becky Cerling Powers
6/16/2021
Being with Dad: a faith-based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A Hinshaw
6/9/2021
Trouble -- the doorway to God's Kingdom: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
3/25/2021
Honey Tree: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
3/23/2021
The Law of Kindness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
3/12/2021
Eyes in the Lookout: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A Hinshaw
3/10/2021
Focusing on the good stuff: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Joe Herman
3/5/2021
The Grumble Family: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Anonymous
3/3/2021
Henry O. Flipper: a black history month story from the Story Powerline
Randy Limbird
2/24/2021
Neighbor Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
2/17/2021
No Matter What, I Love You Every Day: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers and Robert G Cerling
2/14/2021
Mental Maps: a faith based story on love from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
2/10/2021
Putting Myself in the Love Chapter: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Erik Powers
2/8/2021
Resolving the Past: a faith-based story from the Story Powerline
Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
1/22/2021
God Sets the Lonely in Families: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Sharon Withers as told to Becky Cerling Powers
1/21/2021
Keep Trying: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
1/13/2021
Breaking Barriers with Kindness: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
12/10/2020
Shoe Shine Boy: a faith based Christmas story from the Story Powerline
Ruben Fierro as told to Maria Luisa Navarro
12/4/2020
Slow Down for Christmas: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
12/1/2020
Ruth & Boaz, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Maria Luisa Navarro
11/12/2020
Ruth & Boaz, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Maria Luisa Navarro
11/9/2020
Enemies No More, Part 2: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/30/2020
Enemies No More, Part 1: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/28/2020
Double Minded Doggie: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/22/2020
The Father's Blessing: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/13/2020
Dad's Green Packard: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
10/10/2020
Hill of Woman's Fidelity: a faith based Beatitudes story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
10/1/2020
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
8/4/2020
Grandpa Thure Cerling, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
8/4/2020
Temptation: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A. Hinshaw
7/23/2020
Honest Abe Lincoln: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Randy Limbird
7/14/2020
The Most Conscientious Hunter I Ever Met: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A. Hinshaw
6/24/2020
Washing Feet: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers and Lee Merrill Byrd
6/17/2020
No Parking: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/10/2020
Ruby Bridges, part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/3/2020
Ruby Bridges, part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
6/2/2020
Unwanted Baby: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Eileen as told to Becky Cerling Powers
5/26/2020
Joey's Letters: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Lee Merrill Byrd
5/21/2020
Alzheimer Valley: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
5/13/2020
Amaris Luz, Light from Darkness: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Lee Merrill Byrd
4/28/2020
Losing Poetry: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
4/22/2020
Naaman, Rich in Money and Presumption: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs and Becky Cerling Powers
4/14/2020
David, Bathsheba & Psalm 51: a faith based story story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
4/9/2020
The Beer Would Call Me: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Beatriz Balcort as told to Becky Cerling Powers
4/7/2020
Turned Around: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Brian Bolton with Becky Cerling Powers
4/2/2020
Elijah & the Captain of 50 Men: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
3/31/2020
Fear in Residence: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
3/24/2020
Dreaming of Anita Jo: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
3/12/2020
No Complaint Dinners: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
3/10/2020
DIY Plumbing: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
3/5/2020
A Brother's Love: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
3/3/2020
My Two Dads, part three: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/27/2020
My Two Dads, part two: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/26/2020
My Two Dads, part one: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Janimarie Rowe as told to Becky Cerling Powers
2/25/2020
Grandma's Apron: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
2/20/2020
Colors of the Beetle: a retold faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
2/13/2020
Cantaloupe Crop Disaster: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen Hinshaw
2/5/2020
Afraid to Sleep at Night (Psalm 91): a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
1/22/2020
How the Camel Got His Hump: a retold faith based story
Becky Cerling Powers
1/13/2020
Growing Up With Polio: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
1/9/2020
All Things Bright and Beautiful: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers, poem by Cecil Frances Alexander
1/7/2020
One Dollar for a Donut: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
1/1/2020
Star of Wonder
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/26/2019
The Shepherds
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/24/2019
Mary and the Angel
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/18/2019
Zechariah
Paula Kortkamp Combs
12/17/2019
Christmas Cookies: a a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Laura Jane Cerling
12/10/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 2: Beginning in Weakness (a faith based story)
Rami Scully
11/28/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 3: Gifts & Gratitude (a faith based story from the Story Powerline)
Rami Scully
11/28/2019
First Thanksgiving, Part 1: Enduring the Sea Voyage (a faith based story)
Rami Scully
11/27/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 3: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Néaouguen Nodjimbadem as told to Becky Cerling Powers
11/22/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 2: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Néaouguen Nodjimbadem
11/19/2019
Rescuing my Family in Wartime, Part 1: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Nodji (Néaouguen Nodjimbadem) as told to Becky Cerling Powers
11/12/2019
Grandma Time: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Jennifer Cummings
11/1/2019
Avon Perfume Surprise: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
10/22/2019
Saving Butterscotch: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Karen M. Pickett Ward
10/16/2019
The Patient in Room 116: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
10/8/2019
Belshazzar: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Paula Kortkamp Combs
10/2/2019
My Mysterious Relative & the Missing Paycheck: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Becky Cerling Powers
9/26/2019
Keeping in Touch with Cousins: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Paula Kortkamp Combs
9/24/2019
How the Ostrich Got His Long Neck: a faith based retold story from the Story Powerline
Retold by Becky Cerling Powers
9/9/2019
When Life Goes Up in Smoke: a faith based story from the Story Powerline
Glen A. Hinshaw
8/20/2019
